Somewhere Over The Graveyard
by Rubidia
Summary: Welcome, foolish mortals to the land of Oz! I now offer you this chilling challenge: To find a way home!
1. Down the Well

**A/N: I come with a new HM fic! A parody of the Wizard of Oz! I'm doing this as a joint fic with a good friend of mine, **_**I think therfore I am**_**, so everyone give her a big round of applause!**

**Disclaimer: I **_**do**_** own Disney! Ha, just kidding, no I don't. I'm still just a nerd, sitting at my computer hoping that someday I will. **

George sat in the library, attending to his trademark pastime: paperwork. There was just something pleasant about the aroma of ink on paper! He looked up when there was a knock on the door.

There, crowded around the doorway, was just about every ghost in the mansion, all looking rather disgruntled, some wiping what appeared to be vomit off their shoes. It was rather repulsive…

Wolfgang was at the head of the mob, and he now stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Ahem…George, you know how I hate everything, right?" he asked. George nodded. "Well, you see, that includes puke, even when it does come from a fluffy little ovine!"

"Ovine?" George asked.

"It's the technical word for sheep," said one of the talking busts perched on the bookshelves.

"Oh," George said, then nodded, indicating that Wolfgang should go on.

"And, well…" At this point, the miserable organist burst into tears, cueing some ghosts in the crowd to part and shove the Hitchhikers forward, looking awkward and uncomfortable.

"Hiya, Georgey," Ezra said with a forced skeletal grin, "I think what Wolf boy here is trying to say is…Lobster's sick…He has some kind of sheep chicken pox, or something, and, well, he won't stop throwing up…"

George grunted. "So that's what was in my sock drawer this morning…How did that dang sheep even get in there?!"

They shrugged.

"And, it seems everyone else is kind of sick of sheep upchuck…they formed an angry mob and dragged us down here!"

"Much as it pains me to say it, George," Wolfgang added with a sniff, "I think Lobster needs to go outside for a while."

George nodded.

"Alright, then," he replied, "Lobster will go outside until he has recovered."

A great cheer erupted from the crowd of spirits.

The Hitchhikers glared at George menacingly…

(insert horizontal line break)

George's scream was stifled by a bony hand as he was pulled from his bed in the middle of the night. He looked around wildly to find that the Hitchhiking Ghosts were carrying him out of the mansion, into the outer regions of the graveyard, beyond the morgue.

"George, we hate to do this to you," Phineus said apologetically, as if to say that he had wanted no part in this, "But if you kick Lobster out, we're afraid we're going to have to throw you down the well."

George's eyebrows rose into the upper portion of his forehead.

"But we don't have a well!" he cried.

"Not that you know of!" Ezra screamed, receiving a glare from Phineus.

"Be quiet!" the semi-sensible one hissed.

"Sorry," Ezra whispered.

"Down you go, Georgey!" they all murmured, and tossed him down into the dark depths of a little stone wishing well.


	2. Welcome to Munchkin Land!

**A/N: Next update of Somewhere Over the Graveyard! Is everyone thrilled? Are you all leaping out of your chairs in pure joy? It would make me and **_**I think therfore I am**_**, the co writer, very happy if you are. I've updated this, as I forgot to put in several parts that we had planned. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Disney.**

George screamed as he fell through the darkness, objects and people whirling by him. He saw Leota in her crystal ball cackling past, and then the three Hitchhikers, waving rubber ducks at him.

Eventually his shouts subsided as it became apparent that it was quite a deep well, and he didn't seem to be landing any time soon. After what felt like about an hour of free falling, he slowly dozed off…

***

_CRASH_! George yelped as he was suddenly awoken to the unpleasant task of banging headfirst into the ground.

"Ow!" he cried, as he lay moaning where he had landed. It was several moments before he noticed the flecks of light filtering in from beneath him. Further investigation proved that the glow was coming through some holes in the cover of a manhole.

Sunlight streamed in as he threw it open with a smack.

***

The Wicked Witch of the East trotted over to the manhole in the center of the road of yellow brick, investigating the suspicious bangs coming from within it for the Munchkins, who were quivering with fear at the strange sounds.

She peered over it, and, as she was reaching out to lift it cautiously, it flew up with a bang and whacked her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

Out of the manhole clambered a translucent, blue-green man dressed in a blue gingham suit with a bright red tie. He looked rather frazzled, and gave a great yelp when a giant bubble popped in front of him, revealing a dazzling young woman dressed in a pink dress with yards and yards of tulle forming a skirt large enough to knock the man down, which it did. She also bore a tall silver crown and a ridiculous looking, shining wand, which she waved around in a graceful way that made her look like an animatronic puppet.

"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" she asked of the man after he had crawled back to his feet.

"Emily? Is that you?" he asked.

"I've never heard of Emily. My name is Glinda, the good witch of the North!" she replied with a dreamy far off look.

"You _are_ Emily!" he cried. Glinda/Emily just giggled.

"Well, I'm a little muddled! The Munchkins called me because a witch whacked the Wicked Witch of the East in the head with a manhole cover! And here's the manhole cover, and here you are, and there's the bloody remains of the Wicked Witch of the East! And so, the Munchkins want to know if you are a good witch or a bad witch!"

George cringed when he saw the crumpled corpse of the Wicked Witch of the East, and gasped when he noticed that she appeared to actually be Victoria Beaufont. Weird. Victoria never seemed to be witchy material. She baked too much.

A faint giggle came from in the bushes lining the brick paved road that they stood on in the middle of a dainty little village of domed houses and lollipop trees.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Well, Silly, that's the Munchkins, of course!" she sighed dreamily, "They're happy because you've freed them from the Wicked Witch of the East!"

"But who are the Munchkins?" he cried, clutching his head in confusion.

"The little people who live in this land! Come out, little Munchkins! Come meet the little girl from Kansas!"

"What?!" he shouted, "But I'm not from Kansas! And I'm not a little girl!"

"Oh, it's okay," she said kindly, patting him on the head like a dog, "You're obviously quite confused from your fall. Let's see, who can we get to un-muddle your pretty little head?" she said, tapping her mouth with the wand thoughtfully, "I know!" she cried finally, "We'll send you to the Wizard! And are you forgetting the ruby clippers?" she asked, pulling a giant pair of gardening clippers that glittered ruby red from nowhere, and giving them an excited _snip!_ for effect.

"That is really the lamest joke I've ever heard!" he cried in frustraion.

"Oh, really?" she asked, extending the clippers threateningly towards him. However, him being a ghost, they just went right through him, much to the disappointment of Emily/Glinda.

"I just want to go back to the mansion!" he screamed at her. She ignored him, and continued on.

"You have to follow the yellow brick road, it will lead you straight to the Emerald City. That's in the center of the land of Oz, you know. The Wizard has a grand palace in the center of the city! Run along, now!"

All of the It's A Small World dolls popped out of the bushes, and circled around him, beginning the chant 'Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!'.

"I thought we got rid of you in the last whacky and vaguely insulting comedic fanfiction!" George shouted at them. He turned to glare at Emily, but she was merely clapping and wagging her head with the music.

_Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road._

_Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road._

_Follow the yellow brick, follow the yellow brick, follow the yellow brick road!_

_You're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!_

_And here he is, the wiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was! _

_If ever, oh ever a wiz there was, the wizard of oz is one because,_

_Because, because, because, because, because!_

_Because of the wonderful things he does!_

_You're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!_

One of the Swedish dolls stepped forward, and began to spark while he repeatedly sang:

_F-follow the yellow brick, follow the yellow brick, follow the-follow the-follow the-_

at increasing speeds until Emily/Glinda gave him a good natured whack on the head with a large hammer, and he stopped, and instead lay on the ground twitching and sparking.

George grumbled, but grudgingly began his trek down the yellow brick road. He cursed a little bit when Emily sent Bony, the caretaker's dog, after him, shouting 'Don't forget Toto!'.


	3. If I Only Had A Brain

**A/N: We come with another update! Woo! Everyone enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Disney, or the Wizard of Oz.**

George was nearly ready to whack Bony upside the head by the time he had left the munchkin village and reached the never ending fields of corn. The dang animal had not stopped whining and yapping since they had started!

He just about screamed when he came to a fork in the road. Emily had not told him about anything like this!

"Where do I go?!!" he shouted to the sky.

"That way is a very nice way," came a voice. George tracked it to a blue green, translucent figure dressed in plaid and a straw hat.

"Oh, I should have known I'd run into you here!" he yelled.

"Me? I-I've never met you before, kind sir…heh…Who told you about this? It was Wolfgang, wasn't it?!"

"What? No, you're Ezra. You know, my sworn enemy? You live at the mansion…unfortunately. I meant that I should have expected that you would be here, to make this place a little more like hell for me."

"Umm…Of course, some people go that way…And some people go both ways! Heheh…"

"Just make up your mind and tell me where to go!" he cried. Ezra looked relieved to have gotten back to the script.

"That's the trouble. I can't make up my mind. I haven't any brain!" he said.

"Yes. I know," said George. "Well, have a nice day," he said, choosing the road to the right.

"Oh, but I can't seem to enjoy myself at all, stuck up on this pole. Wouldn't it be nice if someone would get me down from here?" he sighed.

"I'm sure it would," George said, pressing on unperturbed.

"But no one would want a lowly scarecrow like me around, I suppose," Ezra said, breaking into loud, obnoxious, and obviously fake sobs that seemed to follow George, no matter how far away he ran.

"Fine," George muttered, trudging back and yanking the ghost off the stick.

"QWELALALALALALAALALALALAALALALALALALA!!!!!!!!" Ezra screamed.

"What the heck was that about?!" George cried.

"Didn't I scare you?" Ezra said, looking miffed.

"No! You just reminded me how much of a lunatic you are!"

"Aw, I'm a failure! I can't scare anything! I'm a failure because I haven't got a brain."

"No. No you haven't."

"Gee. I suppose you should get on your way now."

"Yes. Goodbye."

"I'll stay here, all by myself."

"Okay," George said, walking away.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"I'm not going to tell you, for fear that you'd follow me."

"You seem to be headed towards the Emerald City! Are you trying to see the wizard?"

"…No…? George said nervously.

"Oh, you are! I'll go with you, and see if he'll give me a brain!"

"No!" George cried, "I mean, aren't you needed here? In this remote…cornfield?"

"Oh, no, I never do anything anyways! Come on, Dorothy!" Ezra whooped, skipping ahead.

"My name is GEORGE!" he screamed.

"Come on, Georgey-boy!"

"ERRRRGGGGG!"

Bony began to whimper again. This time, George actually did whack him.


	4. A Metal Woodcutter Tributary Statue?

**A/N: Hi, all! I'm back again, this time with a chapter written by my co-author, I think therfore I am! Everyone applaud her wildly! So, without furhter ado, we present you with another chapter of Somewhere Over the Graveyard!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Disney. Nor does I think therfore I am.**

"_Skimbleshanks, the railway cat! The cat of the railway train! There's a whisper down the line, at_…"

"Ezra…"

"…_When the night mail's ready to depart_…"

"Ezra. Please."

"…_Skimble, where is Skimble? Has he gone to hunt the thimble?_..."

"Ezra, please stop singing that song."

"Oh yeah, sure Dorothy, no problem, I don't need to sing that specifically… _It's time for Animaniacs! And we're zany to the max! So just_…"

"Oh no, that's worse, that's much, much worse."

"…_Maniacs! Come join the Warner Brothers and the Warner_…"

"Really, Ezra, you cannot sing that song."

"_Fine_, fine! I won't sing that either."

"Thank you."

"_Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse_…"

"Really? I don't even know what that is that you're singing now."

"…_Thoroughbred of sin. He got the application that you just sent in_…"

"Perhaps you should stop singing altogether."

"_It's a small world after all_…"

"Now you're switching songs?"

"_I am the very model of a modern major general; I've information animal and vegetable_…"

"Ezra."

"_They're Tailors in Disguise, and they've got nine lives! They catch unsuspecting guys by sticking needles in their eyes! 'Cause they're (bum bum) Tailors in Disguise!_"

"Ezra!"

"_Into the woods, it's time to go, I hate to leave_…"

"_Ezra!_"

"_In the bay off the coast of the tristate area, there's_…"

"EZRA! CUT IT OUT!"

"…_HAIL, HAIL, DOOFANIA!_"

"_EZRA!!!_ SHUT UP BEFORE I BEAT YOU UNCONCIOUS WITH A ROCK AND LEAVE YOU ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CORN FIELD _WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND YOU_."

Ezra stopped singing and took at step away from George. There was a long silence, only broken when Bony whimpered because the quiet scared him.

"Is something wrong Dorothy?" Ezra asked.

"_Wrong?_ Yes, something's _wrong_! You know what's _wrong_? What's _wrong_ is that I was thrown down a well in the middle of the night and transported to this bizarre, candy-colored country, where I was forced to take the advice of a known crazy person because I had absolutely _nothing_ _else_ to go by, and, after walking in the sun for half a day, I am joined by a brainless, insane, extremely distant relative who _refuses_ to admit that he knows me, _and_ keeps calling me Dorothy, _and_ won't leave, _and_ insists on singing at the top of his lungs without ever stopping, and I _still_ had to walk in the sun, I _hate_ the sun, and on top of _everything else_, this chapter has been going on for an entire _page_ now, and _absolutely nothing has happened!_ I can't take this!"

Ezra sighed. "Look, Dorothy-"

"Oh, _AND_ I'm stuck with this dog who won't stop whining, _and_ I'm wearing a bizarre blue gingham suit, _and_ if I wasn't a ghost I would be extremely hungry because I don't have any food, _and_ the road is about to enter a dark, dangerous, extremely blue forest, _and_-"

"Dorothy, look," said Ezra "Cheer up! You know what I say at a time like this?"

"_What?_" snapped George.

"_Always look on the bright side of life, dadoo, dadoo dadoo dadoo. Always look on the right side of life, dadoo, dadoo dadoo dadoo_."

"Shut up Ezra, that doesn't help me at all!" George sighed. "Besides, there isn't a bright side, anyway."

"Sure there is!" said Ezra brightly.

"Like what?"

"Well…" Ezra frowned, thinking. "At least things won't be bad for all that long," he said finally.

"Why not?" asked George.

"BeCAUse…._There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day! There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, and tomorrow's just a dream away!_"

"NO, Ezra, no! I hate the Sherman Brothers! _I hate them!_"

"That may be Dorothy, that may be, but it does not negate their wisdom."

"I will not take advice from anyone who writes songs for theme park rides," said George, walking further down the road toward the forest. "Come on, the sooner we get to this wizard the sooner I can get back to the mansion and away from you."

He paused.

"Well, okay, you'll still be there, but you won't be dressed as a scarecrow, and you'll have you're fellow asylum inmates to distract you from torturing me, which is nice. And you'll also have a sheep."

George and Ezra trudged through the forest in silence, excluding the whimpers of Bony, which were by this time basically unheard by the two of them. The road was in much worse condition in the forest than in the open country, and the bricks were uneven and missing in places. One of the holes left by the missing bricks caused Ezra to trip and fall, and roll over a few times.

"Ezra, there's an entire brick missing there! How could you possibly miss that hole?" said George, exasperated.

"Well, gosh Dorothy," said Ezra, still lying on the ground, "I didn't think to look. I haven't got a brain, you know."

"Yes, I do," said George.

"I could really use some help getting up, though, since I haven't got any brain at all."

George stared at Ezra for a long time. "You know what I hate, Ezra?" he said finally.

"What?"

"You," said George, and he continued walking down the road.

"Dorothy! Wait!" shouted Ezra as he stumbled to his feet and ran after George. "I need to come with you to see the wizard – oof!" Ezra tripped on another missing brick and soared strait into George, knocking him over and off the road. George tumbled into a ditch and down a hill, not stopping until he hit something large and metallic with a muffled clang.

"Dorothy!" shouted Ezra from the top of the hill. "You fell!"

"Shut up," said George, getting up and looking at what had broken his fall. "I hit this metal…person," he called up to Ezra. "Some sort of statue perhaps, in the middle of the forest. A tribute to the hard working woodcutters of our country?"

"It's covered in rust," Ezra said, walking down the hill.

"Yeah, I'd noticed that," said George. "I could tell by the fact that it was slightly orangeish. But why would there be a neglected, rusted, metal woodcutter tributary statue in the middle of the forest?" he pondered.

Ezra stood in front of the metal person and leaned to the left, and then the right. He laughed. "Its eyes follow you no matter where you are," he said, sounding extremely amused.

"Mmmphm mmm."

"Ezra, did you hear that?" asked George cautiously.

Ezra nodded.

"Mmmphm mmm."

George and Ezra stared at the metal person. They both took a few steps away from it.

"Mmmphm mmm," said the metal person.

"OH MY GOD IT'S ALIVE!! KILL IT DOROTHY!" shouted Ezra, clinging to George.

"Shh, I think it's saying something," George said, pushing Ezra off of him.

"Mmmphm mmm!"

"It said…boiled SPAM," said Ezra. "Boiled SPAM? Go boil your own SPAM!"

"Ezra!" said George, horrified. "That's from Veggie Tales, and you know it! First you sing horrible Sherman Brothers songs, now you're stealing jokes from preachy vegetables? I'm even more ashamed to be in your presence than I was before!"

"Fine, he said "oil can", are you happy, now that you've sucked the fun out of everything?" Ezra said.

"Yes, thank you."

"Fun sucker," muttered Ezra.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," said Ezra. "I didn't say anything. I certainly didn't make a joke, because you don't want that."

"Not if the jokes were made by vegetables first."

"I guess I'll just get back to the plot then, and pick up this conveniently placed oil can here. Oh, sure, it's just begging to be made fun of, but there's no reason to do that, is there? That would be wrong! That would be bad! I suppose I'll just oil this guy's mouth so he can talk and tell us his story, but not in a funny way, because of course he wouldn't do that!"

"Alright Ezra, time to let it go, it's not funny anymore."

"Of course it isn't," Ezra sneered.

Ezra finally got along to oiling the metal person, and that's when George stepped back and realized who the person was. He groaned. He wasn't sure how he felt about this at all. It was debatable whether or not two Hitchhikers were better than one. At least Phineas was the sanest of the three.

"Hello," said Phineas. Ezra had finished oiling him.

"Why, hello!" said Ezra. "Nice day, isn't it? Who are you? I'm the Scarecrow, and this is Dorothy."

"I'm the Tin Man," said Phineas.

George frowned. The whole thing seemed oddly rehearsed.

"Oh, the Tin Man, eh?" said Ezra, still sounding scripted. "That's a nice name, very strait forward, no nonsense, and – hey! _You're_ not Phineas! Isn't Phineas supposed to be here?"

George looked at Ezra confusedly and said, "But that _is_ Phineas, Ezra, and you know it-"

Phineas shook his head. "No, just let it go, George," he said.

"_AHA!_" George yelled suddenly. "You called my George! Everyone heard it! Do you see? He's acting sensible!"

"Oh, you're right. Sorry, I meant Dorothy," said Phineas quickly.

"_Don't_, Phineas, please, I can't take being called Dorothy any more."

"Sorry Dorothy, but I've been told to stay in character," Phineas said apologetically.

"By who?"

Phineas pointed to Ezra.

"_Why_, Ezra?" said George, who by this time was beginning to sound very upset. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Hey, don't look at me; I don't even know who this guy is!"

"Ezra, it's _Phineas_!"

"It's just best not to argue with him, Dorothy," said Phineas.

George sighed and sat down on a three stump. Suddenly he looked up at Phineas. "Hey, Phineas," he said. "That's a really nice axe you've got there. Mind if I borrow it?"

Phineas looked down at the axe in his hands. "…Yes…"

"Oh. Alright then." George looked back at the ground sadly. Suddenly he looked up at Phineas again. "Hey, Phineas," he said. "Ezra and I are heading to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. Ezra wants a brain-"

"Yes, he does need one of those."

"And I want to get back to the mansion. I don't suppose there's anything you want?"

"Why?"

"_Because!_" wailed George, throwing himself at Phineas's feet. "Because I've been stuck alone with Ezra for days, and I can't handle it! He's crazy! Then again, so are you, just to a lesser extent! You actually _like_ him, and if you're here, than he won't be bothering me _so_ much, and I hate you marginally less than I hate him, and it will be just that much less torturous if you're here, and please please _please_, Phineas!"

"We-ell, I could use a heart…" said Phineas slowly. "I _suppose_ I might as well come…"

"_Thank you_, Phineas!'

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Ezra suddenly. "Dorothy, Stranger, didn't we have a little whiney dog with us?"

They all looked around for Bony, George hoping that they couldn't find him.

"Oh, phew, there he is!" said Ezra, pointing. "Right over there, next to the – OH MY GOD, DID THAT MUNCHKIN JUST HANG HIMSELF?! Oh, no, don't worry, it's just a bird. Scared me there for a second."


	5. My PhD Problem

**A/N: We return (finally) with another update!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Disney. Or the Wizard of Oz.**

George grumbled. He had a pounding headache, and despite all the odds of him being a ghost, his stomach was beginning to rumble. Fairy lands really sucked. And, above it all, Ezra was doing no better in the company of Phineus because he refused to believe that he was, in fact, Phineus.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are t-!"

"Would you two shut up?!" George screamed. "Ezra, yes, it is Phineus! And Phineus, just give it up, this is Ezra we're talking about!"

"Well, gee, George," Ezra said, "Do you know this guy? It sounds like you two know each other! Am I, like, out of the loop now? Er, I knew I should have watched the premier of Desperate Housewives before doing this whole shindig! I have it TiVo-ed and everything! Wait…now I wanna know what happened! I don't know what's going on now! Was it Susan they showed getting married at the preview at the end of the last season? Okay, really, why are you staring at me like that?"

Neither Phineus nor George responded to this.

"It _was_ Susan, wasn't it?! It was!!!"

"Rrraaaaaghhhhhhh!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" screamed Ezra, attempting to leap into George's arms, who promptly dropped him in a heap on the ground.

Something small and furry leapt out of the trees at them, searching for the weakest target and choosing Ezra.

"Dorothy! Dorothy, help, I'm being devoured by a lion, oh woe is me!!" Ezra screamed. "Dorothy, save me! Dorothy? Um, you're supposed to whack the beastie on the nose and scold him now!"

"Um, no, don't think I will." George replied with a yawn. "Unless you call me George."

"What sort of little girl are you?" Ezra cried.

"I'm not a little girl!" George shouted, "Now call me George or the lion eats you."

"Okay, okay, fine, George!" Ezra screamed, adding "odd little child," under his breath.

"Good," George said, giving the lion a good whack on the nose.

"Rargh," cried the lion, which, to the surprise of no one, was Gus on further inspection, wrapped in a ton of fleece and yarn.

"Bad lion." said George halfheartedly.

"Rargh," said Gus.

"Translation?" George asked Phineus.

"He said 'ow'," Phineus replied.

"Ruurgh."

"You didn't need to hit him so hard. He's really not so tough as he looks."

"Coward," George muttered.

"Raurggh-rurr!" Gus said indignantly.

"He says he's not a coward. He just wants to be a dentist."

"What?" George asked. This was not the version of the Wizard of Oz that he had seen.

"Rugh."

"Lions aren't allowed to get a PhD in Oz."

"Well, no, I wouldn't let him near my mouth with power tools, either."

"Aww, he's so cute!" crooned Ezra, rubbing Gus's belly, who then purred, "Can we keep him, Dorothy? Please?"

"No. I can handle Phineus, but I will not take Gus too. Especially if he's just going to communicate through growls the entire time."

"But I'll take care of him! I'll feed him and wash him and take him for walks, and everything! You won't have to do anything!"

"Fine, if it means that you'll stop making me listen to your voice. It's kind of giving me a migraine."

"YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you, Dorothy! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"That was a mistake," George grumbled. "A big, big, big mistake."


End file.
